(Funny) quotes

-It’s weird not to be weird. (John Lennon)
-My boyfriend is like a trampoline. I don’t have one.
-Coffee: Because my boss doesn’t like me using cocaine at work.
-The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it’s limits.
-There’s no cool way to chase a bouncing ping pong ball.
-I don’t trust people who smile before 9 am.
-You can’t say ”happiness” without saying penis.
-Whoever snuck the S in ”fast food” was a clever little bastard.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-I can’t believe that cop put me in the backseat when i clearly called shotgun.
-Mom: Did you make it home safely?
Me: No, i died a few times.
-Looking thirty is great if you’re fourty.
-My doctor asked if any members od my family suffered from insanity. I replied, no, we all seem to enjoy it.
-Not all those who wander are lost.
-Home is where the naked is.
-Chillin’: The art of doing nothing without being bored.
-Drinking rum before 10:00 am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic.
-”No comment” is a comment.
-Today i will be a s useless as the ”g” in lasagna.
-I really love your 5 albums od self-portraits, said nobody ever.
-Pretty sure it’s just a matter of time before they add ”syndrome” after my last name.
-Weeds are flowers too, once u get to know them.
-Society is like salt water, good to swim in but hard to swallow.
-What whiskey not cure, there is no cure for.
-He, who laughs last, didn’t get it.
-Drunk texting is a skill. Drunk texting on a touch screen phone is an art.
-Smart may have the authority, but stupid has one hell of a hangover.
-Adventure is just bad planning.
-The quickest way to make money at photography is to sell your camera.
-The trouble with rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
-An apple a day, is seven apples a week.
-There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
-Why is ”abbreviation” such a long word?
-I can jump higher than mountains. You see, mountains can’t jump.
-Decided to burn lots of calories today, so i set a fat kid on fire.
-Wine is fine, but whisky is quicker.
-Age is just a number. Yeah, and jail is just a room.
-The awkward moment, when your sarcasm is so advanced that people actually think you’re stupid.
-Comic sans is never an acceptable font. Unless you are an 8 year old girl writing a poem about unicorns.
-Some people are so poor. All they have is money.

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